screenplay
INT. YING-YANG MUSIC VIDEO SET - EVENING
The actors take their places on set, an actress sits in the middle of empty set on a black couch, Ying Yang twins off set. Twin #1 is snoring in chair, is abruptly awakened by Twin #2 shaking his shoulder.
Twin 2:
Aye man, get up, come on what you doin!
Twin 1:
Hmm? Oh uh damn, sorry, man, sorry. Yeah uh, I'm ready, let's go.
Twin 2:
Ok, then.
Twin 2: (to director)
Aight, we ready.
Director:
All right everybody, quiet on the set. And…Action!
Twin 1:
Hey how you doin lil mama? lemme whisper in your ear
Tell you sumthing that you might like to hear
You got a sexy ass body… and your… your ass look… soft…
snores
Director:
Cut!
Twin 2:
Aye man, we're payin a lot for this shoot, wake up, what's going on with you!
Twin 1:
I'm good man, I'm good, I promise.
Twin 1: (to director)
I…Sorry. I'm fine. I'm fine. Let's do this.
Director:
All right everybody, take two. And…Action!
Twin 2:
You heard what I said, we need to make our way to the bed
And you can start usin' yo head
You might had some but you never had none like this
Just wait til you see my dick
Camera pans to Twin 1, asleep
CUT TO:
EXT. FIELD IN THE MIDDLE OF SPRING - DAY
Twin 1: (awakens -- visibly startled)
WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY DICK!
Wait till you see my…hunh?
Twin 1 looks around, there's nobody for miles.
Twin 1 begins to walk around the field, admiring the beauty of the rivers and mountains.
Twin 1 looks at setting sun and takes off his sunglasses, and whispers to himself:
Like D-AMN, D-AMN, D-AMN, D-AMN…
Camera fades to black.
INT. COFFEEZILLA HQ
CoffeeZilla: This crypto grifter (202212170120) will be getting away with it again, Internet justice has been served, but unfortunately ladies and gentleman, it seems that this is as far as it goes.
…You know what?
No.
No!
EXT. OUTSIDE NEXT TO COP CAR
Lights flashing against CoffeeZilla's face, Coffeezilla smirking, officer car pulling away
No problem officer.
In any "ancient history/spy" action film you might expect to see these familiar scenes…
Scenario 1: Modern Lock with Benefit of Hundreds of Years of Modern Lock Technology
INT: Some Rich Dude's Vault, Probably
Male Lead:
Damn, it's locked.
Female Lead:
Don't worry.
takes hairpin that's holding up her indescribably perfect bun, despite having just jumped out of an airplane
puts hairpin in lock while Male Lead turns around with back to door frame -- gun in hand
guards come running down hallway
Male Lead:
Hey you better hurry up with that lock -- WE'VE GOT COMPANY
Female Lead:
I'm almost there, hold them off!
continues to randomly jiggle hairpin in lock hole
male lead shoots at guards, who have put furniture that doesn't belong in a hallway like full sectional couches up as blockades from the gunfire
Male Lead:
They're bringing in the big guns!!!
17 foot 4 man saunters down hallway in way too tight shirt, looking intensely constipated
music gets more intense
Female Lead:
and….got it! Come on {MALE LEAD}, let's go!
they both escape just as large man reaches door
Scenario 2: Some Busted Out Rusty Ass Lock on a Three Inch Deep Oak Door That Looks Like it Could Be Knocked Off Its Hinges by a Light Breeze
INT: An Abandoned Cave From 1420; 300 Feet Below Ground
Male Lead:
Damn, it's locked.
Female Lead:
Hmm, its probably a puzzle and the answer is most likely in this room right next to the lock.
Male Lead:
Oh yeah, look, here's a pictogram that explains exactly what we have to do! Did you bring the other half of the key of Bussyus the Magnificent?
Female lead rifles in extremely torn up backpack and pulls out some ancient piece of bullshit
Female Lead puts key in lock, turning slowly while music crescendos
Female Lead:
Got it!
some unexplainable ancient stone hinge technology that somehow still works centuries later opens by itself
Male Lead:
Let's go!
Main Villain somehow waiting inside for them, despite having no knowledge if they would show up or not, even (202212251415)
Totally unexplainable reasoning.
INT: Some Final Showdown with {BOSS VILLAIN HERE}, Probably in the Unlocked Throne Room 202212251336
Male Lead:
You killed my brother! I can't forgive you for that, {BOSS VILLAIN HERE}, you murderer!!
Villain:
Haha, I…wait, are you serious?
Male Lead:
Serious about what?
Villain:
Well, I just think it's a bit ironic to call me a murderer like you aren't a murderer.
Male Lead:
I -- wha -- no, no I'm not, I'm not a murderer
Villain:
My guy, you killed 15 of my mercenaries on your way into this very room. Look -- you literally just shoved one of my lackies of the cliff onto that bed of wooden spikes.
camera pans to lackey impaled by spikes
Male Lead:
Well, I mean, yeah, but -- but they're mercenaries! They're hired killers!
Villain:
Do you … do you think that because someone is a mercenary they can't be murdered?
Male Lead:
I well, no, I mean … I guess I hadn't really thought about it before.
Villain:
Dave.
Male Lead:
What?
Villain:
Dave. The lackey -- the one you just pushed off the cliff? His name was Dave. He has two daughters at home.
Male Lead:
Oh, oh -- oh my god.
Villain:
Yeah.
Male Lead:
But -- but you we're just going to take this treasure and use it for nefarious ends, so I'm still fighting for the innocent!
Villain:
Oh, and what were you planning to do with the money?
Male Lead:
Sorry, what?
Villain:
I said, what are you planning on using the money on, Mr. High Horse?
Male Lead:
Well, I uh … I guess I was going to take it, and sell it on … on the black market? I … I don't know, I usually don't think much outside of witty one liners.
Villain:
So it's worse, you don't even have a goal for the money? You're just here for the thrill of the hunt. You killed Dave for the thrill of the hunt. That makes you a bad person, do you see what I'm saying?
Male Lead:
But -- but I was hired to solve the mystery. This unsolvable 500 year old mystery!
Villain:
Congratulations, so you are an escape room veteran who midnights as a murderer. That is literally the worst combination of skills a person could have.
Dave:
sputters blood, coughs
Male Lead:
panics
AHH!
takes out pistol and shoots at Dave